Capture Your Grief 2012: My Photos

In my last post, I explained that I am going to be participating in a project called Capture Your Grief. It's a Worldwide project created by Carly Marie Dudley, the same person who created Christian's Beach (Ben's name in the sand). It's purpose is to create awareness as October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It is also created to help begin healing and as a way to remember your baby.

I will be posting all my Capture Your Grief photos here. This will be a great way to "journal" my project, and I do hope to print it out one day to add to my keepsake box of Ben's memories.

I've included the title and description of each pre-chosen subject, and then my photograph with my thoughts/interpretation of it below.

2012 Capture Your Grief: 31 Days, 31 Photographs

From CarlyMarie's Website:

This project was created In Loving Memory of all the babies who died during pregnancy and the little ones that could only stay with their parents for the shortest of times. No parent should ever have to bury their child. We will speak about these precious lives. We will honour them. We will remember them.
-CarlyMarie



Day 1. Sunrise  I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning! When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise {just for fun!}

As I said in my other post, I didn't manage to get this one. If I happen to be up at sunrise and awake enough to grab my camera, I may still add it later on!

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you before your loss. You could share a drawing/sketch or painting you have done if you would prefer that!

I picked this one, because I do believe it is the last picture I have of myself pregnant before we found out Ben had died. It was taken on Halloween. Halloween is also one of my last good memories before the sh*t hit the fan so to speak. We had an amazing night taking Rylen trick or treating, we were super excited and happy to have three healthy babies growing away in me, we were over our initial shock and were prepared to welcome all three babes, I was feeling pretty good (despite a perpetual "waddle" when I walked) and thankful that I wasn't having any pregnancy complications. Life was perfect.

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss. Same as yesterday if you would prefer to you can share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done!

This is a few hours after I delivered the boys at 32 weeks. I barely remember this as I was still drugged up from the surgery and feeling the after effects of the general anaesthesia. I remember thinking that it was craziness that such a perfect baby could not be born alive. He had ten fingers, ten toes, eyebrows, fingernails, lots of hair and his hands were absolutely perfect. Miss you Ben xoxoxo
(I also want to say that this photo was taken by Shannon Hayward via Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep)

Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it.

My most treausred item is our ultrasound picture from the day we found out we were expecting triplets. I was 17 weeks. I wish I knew which baby is which, but they didn't label them A, B, C at that point. It turned out to be the only picture I have of all three boys together.

Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.
 
This one was a hard one for me. We have Ben's ashes with us at home, so we don't have a memorial plaque or anything like that. I have thought about planting a tree or garden, but since we likely won't live in this house forever it seems kind of pointless and I'm the type of person that would have a really hard time leaving something like that behind (I can envision us with some giant apple tree strapped to the roof of our van on moving day haha!) . I may change my mind about that later on, but for now we have just done some little things to remember Ben in our day to day lives. For example, in my vehicle, I have a ribbon with the letter "B" hanging from our rear-view mirror. For some reason I think of Ben often when I am driving (maybe it's because it's usually one of my rare quiet moments with children all restrained in their seats and peaceful!)  I also have some beautiful photos of Ben which I am beyond thankful for. We have displayed them in our house and hopefully others who see them appreciate them as well.


This collage was put together by our photographer Cynthia Korman. I didn't ask her to do this, she just did. I think it's so beautiful and I am planning on getting it on canvas and having it near Ben's ashes. Some of the pictures were taken by Shannon Hayward via Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

"At least the other two survived" "At least I have three healthy children". These things are true, for sure. And I am grateful everyday for them. But it doesn't change the fact that I am missing a very important part of our family. I will always miss Ben and wish he was with us.

 Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it own – photograph it.

I love when people ask about Ben. I love talking about him. I don't get to parent him like I do my other kids. My only chance to share him with others is to talk about him.

Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!

Both of these pieces were given to me by close friends of mine. I take turns wearing them equally, I truly love both of them (and as an added bonus, my babies never get tired of playing with them while they eat!!!)

Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.
 

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you?

Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us!

Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light!

 

Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?

Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore.

Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss? They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on.

Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website!

Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space Share a photo of your special place in your home/garden for your baby/ies/child/ren.

Our top shelf of our china cabinet is dedicated to Ben. I don't have it set up exactly how I want it, but eventually I will.

Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant.

Garrett and Rhys in front of the hospital where they and Ben were born. We were here October 14th for the NICU Harvest Party (reunion).

Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.

Day 24. Siblings This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affect them or you can post about your other living children. I know that not everyone has living children but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here.

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing Share a photo from your baby shower or blessing. Maybe you could show everyone the gifts you received that you were not able to use.

Day 26. Their Age How old was your baby/ies/child/ren when they died. Write it down on a piece of paper. If they died whilst you were pregnant you can write their gestation.

Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else.

Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.

Day 29. Music This might be hard to capture in a photograph so break the rules (that we don’t have, hah!) and post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling? Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)

Day 31. Sunset To close this project and month I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

Capture Your Grief: A Carly Marie Project

Recently, I posted a photograph of Ben's name written on the beach at sunset in Australia. The photo was taken by Carly Marie Dudley, a wonderful mother who lost her infant son. Since then, she has made it her mission to help other mothers/fathers/grandparents/siblings with their grief journeys. One of her projects is Christian's Beach which I participated in by requesting Ben's name to be written in the sand.

Her latest project is in honor of October which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It's called Capture Your Grief: 31 Days, 31 Photographs. 

Basically, the idea is that each day, for the entire month of October, you take a photograph that is your own personal interpretation of some pre-chosen subjects. Some of the subjects are: A Special Place, Before Loss, After Loss, Memorial, Jewellery,  etc.  There are 31 subjects. Carly Marie has invited those who want to participate to post their pictures on her facebook page as well as share them on your own blog, facebook page, etc...

The point of it all, is to help process your grief and to begin to heal. It is also to raise awareness that there are many families out there who are missing a child whose life was too brief.  Baby loss is a very difficult subject for some. Many people out there will not even acknowledge that a deceased baby ever existed no matter what gestation they passed at. There are those that believe that a baby was never alive unless he/she took a breath. They don't know what to say and are scared of saying the wrong thing. So they say nothing, which is sometimes the worst.

So, I really like this new project of hers. I decided I will participate the best I can and post my pictures here.  I didn't realize, but there are apparently other moms who have lost babies who read my blog. So this is party for them, as well as for me!

Thankfully, Carly Marie has assured us that if you miss a day or cannot complete a day for whatever reason that IT'S OKAY!

Whew! Cause today was the first day and the subject was: Sunrise.  We were supposed to have "greeted the day" by setting our alarms and taking a photo of the sun rising.

Now, I really have no reason to have failed at this, because I am the proud owner of two really loud hungry alarm clocks. I most definitely was up at sunrise, but was too groggy and cranky to bother taking any pictures, not that I even remembered I was supposed to in the first place!

So, next is Day 2: Before Loss. It's supposed to be a picture of yourself before you lost your baby.

Here is Mine (I'm doing it early, since I missed the first one!)
Day 2 Capture Your Grief: Before Loss Self Portrait

I picked this one, because I do believe it is the last picture I have of myself pregnant before we found out Ben had died. It was taken on Halloween. Halloween is also one of my last good memories before the sh*t hit the fan so to speak. We had an amazing night taking Rylen trick or treating, we were super excited and happy to have three healthy babies growing away in me, we were over our initial shock and were prepared to welcome all three babes,  I was feeling pretty good (despite a perpetual "waddle" when I walked) and thankful that I wasn't having any pregnancy complications. Life was perfect.

Life still is excellent. But it's different. Not matter how happy the day is, or how great of a moment we are having, my next thought is "but...I wish Ben was here". I suppose maybe that will fade a bit with time. Just not yet. But that's okay. I like thinking of him often.

Name in the Sand....

Carly Marie Dudley is a mom from Australia who lost her infant son Christian. Since then, she has worked hard to help other parents heal and remember their babies.

One of her projects is Christian's Beach. You can read her full story here, but basically, based on a dream she had about her own son, she now visits the beach in Perth Australia at sunset and writes the names of babies and children whose lives were too brief.

I requested Ben's name to be written, because it is so heartwarming to know that on the complete other side of the world someone would be thinking of him and honoring him. The photograph is also a wonderful memento.

So, here it is! I think it turned out lovely.

 

To see the photo on Carly Marie's website, click here. There is a tribute written to Ben as well.

My favorite moments...

Two of my most favorite things about being a mom of multiples....

 Bath time:

Seriously, is anything cuter????

 

I love how Rhys is too curious to stay on his own side. Clearly, Garrett's side is much cooler than his :-)

And, my second favorite Mom of Multiples moment:
Swinging at the park!

This happened by accident the first time. There was only one baby swing available and we discovered they were too small to fit in there alone anyways. So, we did this! And it was so freakin' cute, that we do it every time we are at the park now. The boys love it and I get to take like three million pictures!

Long time no post....

Wow, it's been a month since I have done anything with my blog. Feels like five minutes though...time has flown by.

We had a great summer and surprisingly did a lot of different activities. When I found out I was pregnant with all these babies, I assumed that we'd be homebound for quite some time....but that's not been the case!!!

So, here's what our little family was up to this summer....

At the beginning of August, we visited Mark's family in Regina/MooseJaw. We all crammed into one hotel room, which is something that I have to say, we are unlikely to ever do again. Might not have been so bad if we didn't have two cribs, bumbos, a double stroller, exersaucer, carseats, bottles, bottle warmers, nursing pillows and who knows what else with us. But we did. Crowded doesn't even begin to describe it. This is why hotel suites were invented, I'm sure of it!

 Nobody slept. Not even a little bit. In fact, I'm pretty sure the first night I didn't even close my eyes. The babies woke up Rylen, and Rylen woke up the babies. Rhys was sick and feverish. It was truly awful.

We needed a lot of this in the morning:

But, it was all good, cause we got to visit some family members that have never met Garrett and Rhys before.

Later on in the month, we went camping! Garrett and Rhys and I travelled home for the night to sleep in the comfort of our own beds (the previous hotel experience completely scared us off from trying out camping overnight) but Rylen and Mark stayed. The next night, my parents babysat the babies and I got to join the boys for an overnight stay. It was so much fun and made me realize how much I love and miss camping!

At the end of the month, we rented a cabin for three nights in the Whiteshell...still scared from the hotel experience, but we wanted to do something all together as a family. "Conveniences" is a word that is very important on our priority list when looking for a place to stay. The cabin was right on the water so once we were there and settled in, we enjoyed three days free from packing stuff up to go to the beach. We just simply walked out the front door and we were there!

In between all of our adventures, we did some pretty cool things around home as well: swimming, splash parks, playgrounds.... summer is so much fun when you have kids!

 

Garrett and Rhys grew a lot. And they learnt some new things too, like sitting up!

 

 

 

It was a great summer. We did so much more than I ever thought we would, and we really enjoyed our time together as a family. When Rhys was sick in the NICU, I would often tell him "you need to get better and come home, our family is so much fun!" I would imagine us all together doing stuff just like we did this summer. I feel so lucky that we were actually able to do it!

A Year Ago Today....

On this day last year, we found out we were expecting triplets!

I can't believe it's been a whole year. In a lot of ways it seems like it all happened five minutes ago. But, on the other hand, it seems like a lifetime ago. So much has happened since then and are lives are very different.

If there is one day that I could go back to and relive, it would be August 18, 2011. It was probably the craziest day of my life. I wish I could go back and remember it better. I think after they said "triplets", I totally blanked out and the shock and fear took over. I wish I could have enjoyed it more and been more excited about my three babies and less stressed out about the news.

But, that being said, there are parts of that day that are burned in my memory that I will never forget. And despite all the shock, it was such an amazing experience to learn that I had three babies growing away in my body and so happy to know that they were all healthy!


Last year, we walked out of our two hour fetal assessment, completely stunned with this picture in our hands:

I didn't know at the time that it would turn out to be the only picture that we have of our three babies together. It has turned out to be one of my favorite pictures ever and is framed in my bedroom and I look at it everyday.

I also got our photographer, Cynthia Korman  to make me this, which will one day hang in Garrett and Rhys' room should I ever get a spare moment or two to frame it!

One thing I will never forget about this day, and the days after, is the crazy amount of support and love we had extended to us from all of our friends and family. It was truly awesome, and we will always remember it. Thank you all!!!

Eight Months

Here are Garrett and Rhys' 8 month photos:

Pretty cute hey?

And, as usual, here are the many outtakes, which are pretty hilarious. I feel like I should get a trophy or award or something for getting a decent picture of these two together!

The last one is my favorite. Poor Rhys. Not impressed that Garrett is using his hand as a chew toy!