13 Months

I really cannot believe my babies are thirteen months!

Here's what Garrett and Rhys are up to these days...

Rhys is our little investigator. He is extremely curious, and MUST know what is happening at all times. When you pick him up, he immediately twists his body so he is facing out because heaven forbid you impede his view by facing him towards you.

Rhys was the first to crawl, and as a result he is very speedy. This is not good news for Garrett, because when a toy catches their eyes, Rhys is always the first to get there (and of course, even though we have a million toys, they are always both after the same one!) Rhys can be a bit of a bully actually. He is known to attack Garrett, grabbing toys out of his hands, climb over him and knock him over. To be honest, it's quite hilarious to watch although I'm sure Garrett would not agree.

Rhys is our "anomaly". We call him that because his personality is quite a bit different than Garrett and Rylen who are like two peas in a pod. Rhys is the definition of "easy baby". He sleeps well (not through the night yet, but MUCH better than his brother), can put himself to sleep with no bells and whistles (unlike Garrett who needs you to rock him, sing to him, do the YMCA and stand on your head in order to fall asleep) and is a really good eater. If all babies were like Rhys, the world population would skyrocket!

We also call Rhys "Tank" since he's about 3 pounds heavier than Garrett and very stocky. He eats like a horse and so enjoys his food: "num num num num num num" he says enthusiastically while wolfing down his meals. He is a very vocal eater. I often wonder if that is a result of his days of being NPO (not allowed to eat) in the NICU...it makes him much more appreciative of food.

Rhys is a bit of a "mama's boy". I'm not complaining, I think it's super adorable. He often follows me around saying "mum mum mum mum".

Garrett, is our little "Tiny". He is the cutest, most cuddliest little monster ever. And it's a good thing too! Cause, this little man doesn't sleep or eat well and can be a very challenging little boy! He does make up for it by being ultra adorable though. This guy is 18 lbs full of smiles, cuddles and laughs. He's pretty much smiling all the time (unless he is mad, in which case he can scream the house down in a matter of seconds). As an example, recently we all had the stomach flu (what fun). Immediately after projectile vomitting, Garrett would just look at us with a huge grin on his face as if stomach flu was the funnest thing ever. I love that kid.

Garrett is about a month or two behind Rhys as far as "milestones". But that doesn't stop him. He finds a way to keep up as best as he can. He is definitely strong willed and determined. About a month ago he learned to crawl on all fours (previously he was doing the army crawl thing) and he thinks its the greatest thing ever. He also loves to crawl under things and over things... in fact, before he even knew how to crawl, I caught him on top of a diaper box. No clue how he got up there, but he was super proud of himself. He has also just learned to pull himself into standing position, another milestone he is just so thrilled with.

Garrett is quite entertained by Rylen. Those two have such similar personalities it's almost uncanny. Parenting Garrett is like parenting Rylen all over again (which kind of scares me sometimes!)

Garrett often reminds me of a little puppy. He kind of wiggles when he crawls with itty bitty steps, and he is always carrying stuff in his mouth...socks are his favorite.

We are noticing more and more every day that Garrett and Rhys like to do things together. It's rare that they are off in different directions. Usually, one is following the other...to the window to look out, to the toys, under the table, to the dishwasher... these guys like to travel in pairs. It's pretty cute.

I have to say that I love this age. Garrett and Rhys are so much fun and it's so entertaining to watch them explore and interact with eachother. I could seriously watch them all day long!

Happy First Birthday!!!

I cannot believe that a whole year has gone by! By far, the fastest year of my life. I am so proud of my little guys for all they have accomplished this year. And, I have to say I am pretty proud of Mark and I too for surviving!

 

I made a couple videos for the boys. My first stab at any sort of thing like this so hopefully one day when they are grown up they like it. And I hope you enjoy them too!

 

Happy Birthday to my boys! I love you!

Celebrating Garrett and Rhys:

 

Remembering Ben:

Some of the photography in the videos is done by Cynthia Korman. Thanks for letting me use them Cynthia!!!

People Who "Get It"

November 7 was the anniversary of the day we found out Ben had passed.

During this whole journey, I have encountered many people who just don't "get it". Granted, "IT" is a hard thing to understand unless you have been through it yourself. I try to always keep in mind that everyone has the best intentions and even when some people say hurtful or insensitive things, they always mean the best.

However, there are a few people out there that do "get it". It's sad, really, because usually these are people that have experienced some sort of loss themselves. Sometimes not though, sometimes they are just really compassionate and thoughtful people that seem to have a gift for saying the right thing.

Anyways, I have a few friends in particular who "get it". One of these friends Lisa, left these flowers on my doorstep on November 7th.

It brought a smile to my face. So thoughtful. I love the significance of the two blue and one white rose.

Thank you Lisa.

And thanks to everyone else who "gets it" and isn't afraid to talk to me about Ben.

Halloween 2012

I am really behind on blogging here. Sometimes even to find the time to upload pictures is too much.

But better late than never.....

Here are some snippets of our Halloween! We had a great time and our costumes were a hit. Although Rylen was disappointed that I didn't have a costume. Truthfully, I'm not all that into Halloween but I guess when you have young kids, you sort of have to be.

Rylen was tired from his party at daycare, so he only lasted six houses. I think he wanted to hurry home so that he could dig in to his candy. It worked out for the best, because he didn't really get much which allowed me to throw all the "rules" out the window. "Sure, eat it all!" I told him. I figured if it was all going to end up in his body anyways, we may as well get it over with and avoid a month long "candy fight" every day. I'm sure this won't win me any "Mother of the Year" awards, but the upside was that once it was gone, it was gone!!!

 

Garrett and Rhys thought trick or treating was pretty neat. They seemed fascinated by all the activity.

They were super cute "fire puppies". But, colouring their noses black was apparently a gross violation of their personal comfort. I may as well have tossed them in hot oil. Kids are so funny. And they are very particular about their noses!

Anyways, we had a great night. But I have to say, I was glad when it was over. Bring on Christmas!!!!

My Four Little Pumpkins 2012

We went to the Pumpkin Patch this past Saturday.

 

It was coooooold. Like snowsuit cold.

We all bundled up.

Most of us had fun.
And by most of us, I mean Rylen. The rest of us were just kinda cold.

Garrett and Rhys just tolerated it. Not a smile to be found between those two.  Nothing against the Pumpkin Patch. They just weren't fans of their snowsuits.

Why is it that you put a baby in a snowsuit and all of a sudden they can't sit, they can't crawl, they can't do anything but stiffen their little bodies and cry????

Last year, when we were at the Patch, I took this picture of my four little pumpkins. I was super excited for my upcoming trio of babies:

This year I took this picture:

My four little pumpkins now sit on my front step. I think this will be a yearly tradition.

Capture Your Grief 2012: My Photos

In my last post, I explained that I am going to be participating in a project called Capture Your Grief. It's a Worldwide project created by Carly Marie Dudley, the same person who created Christian's Beach (Ben's name in the sand). It's purpose is to create awareness as October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It is also created to help begin healing and as a way to remember your baby.

I will be posting all my Capture Your Grief photos here. This will be a great way to "journal" my project, and I do hope to print it out one day to add to my keepsake box of Ben's memories.

I've included the title and description of each pre-chosen subject, and then my photograph with my thoughts/interpretation of it below.

2012 Capture Your Grief: 31 Days, 31 Photographs

From CarlyMarie's Website:

This project was created In Loving Memory of all the babies who died during pregnancy and the little ones that could only stay with their parents for the shortest of times. No parent should ever have to bury their child. We will speak about these precious lives. We will honour them. We will remember them.
-CarlyMarie



Day 1. Sunrise  I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning! When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise {just for fun!}

As I said in my other post, I didn't manage to get this one. If I happen to be up at sunrise and awake enough to grab my camera, I may still add it later on!

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you before your loss. You could share a drawing/sketch or painting you have done if you would prefer that!

I picked this one, because I do believe it is the last picture I have of myself pregnant before we found out Ben had died. It was taken on Halloween. Halloween is also one of my last good memories before the sh*t hit the fan so to speak. We had an amazing night taking Rylen trick or treating, we were super excited and happy to have three healthy babies growing away in me, we were over our initial shock and were prepared to welcome all three babes, I was feeling pretty good (despite a perpetual "waddle" when I walked) and thankful that I wasn't having any pregnancy complications. Life was perfect.

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss. Same as yesterday if you would prefer to you can share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done!

This is a few hours after I delivered the boys at 32 weeks. I barely remember this as I was still drugged up from the surgery and feeling the after effects of the general anaesthesia. I remember thinking that it was craziness that such a perfect baby could not be born alive. He had ten fingers, ten toes, eyebrows, fingernails, lots of hair and his hands were absolutely perfect. Miss you Ben xoxoxo
(I also want to say that this photo was taken by Shannon Hayward via Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep)

Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it.

My most treausred item is our ultrasound picture from the day we found out we were expecting triplets. I was 17 weeks. I wish I knew which baby is which, but they didn't label them A, B, C at that point. It turned out to be the only picture I have of all three boys together.

Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.
 
This one was a hard one for me. We have Ben's ashes with us at home, so we don't have a memorial plaque or anything like that. I have thought about planting a tree or garden, but since we likely won't live in this house forever it seems kind of pointless and I'm the type of person that would have a really hard time leaving something like that behind (I can envision us with some giant apple tree strapped to the roof of our van on moving day haha!) . I may change my mind about that later on, but for now we have just done some little things to remember Ben in our day to day lives. For example, in my vehicle, I have a ribbon with the letter "B" hanging from our rear-view mirror. For some reason I think of Ben often when I am driving (maybe it's because it's usually one of my rare quiet moments with children all restrained in their seats and peaceful!)  I also have some beautiful photos of Ben which I am beyond thankful for. We have displayed them in our house and hopefully others who see them appreciate them as well.


This collage was put together by our photographer Cynthia Korman. I didn't ask her to do this, she just did. I think it's so beautiful and I am planning on getting it on canvas and having it near Ben's ashes. Some of the pictures were taken by Shannon Hayward via Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

"At least the other two survived" "At least I have three healthy children". These things are true, for sure. And I am grateful everyday for them. But it doesn't change the fact that I am missing a very important part of our family. I will always miss Ben and wish he was with us.

 Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it own – photograph it.

I love when people ask about Ben. I love talking about him. I don't get to parent him like I do my other kids. My only chance to share him with others is to talk about him.

Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!

Both of these pieces were given to me by close friends of mine. I take turns wearing them equally, I truly love both of them (and as an added bonus, my babies never get tired of playing with them while they eat!!!)

Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.
 

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you?

Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us!

Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light!

 

Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?

Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore.

Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss? They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on.

Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website!

Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space Share a photo of your special place in your home/garden for your baby/ies/child/ren.

Our top shelf of our china cabinet is dedicated to Ben. I don't have it set up exactly how I want it, but eventually I will.

Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant.

Garrett and Rhys in front of the hospital where they and Ben were born. We were here October 14th for the NICU Harvest Party (reunion).

Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.

Day 24. Siblings This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affect them or you can post about your other living children. I know that not everyone has living children but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here.

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing Share a photo from your baby shower or blessing. Maybe you could show everyone the gifts you received that you were not able to use.

Day 26. Their Age How old was your baby/ies/child/ren when they died. Write it down on a piece of paper. If they died whilst you were pregnant you can write their gestation.

Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else.

Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.

Day 29. Music This might be hard to capture in a photograph so break the rules (that we don’t have, hah!) and post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling? Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)

Day 31. Sunset To close this project and month I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

Capture Your Grief: A Carly Marie Project

Recently, I posted a photograph of Ben's name written on the beach at sunset in Australia. The photo was taken by Carly Marie Dudley, a wonderful mother who lost her infant son. Since then, she has made it her mission to help other mothers/fathers/grandparents/siblings with their grief journeys. One of her projects is Christian's Beach which I participated in by requesting Ben's name to be written in the sand.

Her latest project is in honor of October which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It's called Capture Your Grief: 31 Days, 31 Photographs. 

Basically, the idea is that each day, for the entire month of October, you take a photograph that is your own personal interpretation of some pre-chosen subjects. Some of the subjects are: A Special Place, Before Loss, After Loss, Memorial, Jewellery,  etc.  There are 31 subjects. Carly Marie has invited those who want to participate to post their pictures on her facebook page as well as share them on your own blog, facebook page, etc...

The point of it all, is to help process your grief and to begin to heal. It is also to raise awareness that there are many families out there who are missing a child whose life was too brief.  Baby loss is a very difficult subject for some. Many people out there will not even acknowledge that a deceased baby ever existed no matter what gestation they passed at. There are those that believe that a baby was never alive unless he/she took a breath. They don't know what to say and are scared of saying the wrong thing. So they say nothing, which is sometimes the worst.

So, I really like this new project of hers. I decided I will participate the best I can and post my pictures here.  I didn't realize, but there are apparently other moms who have lost babies who read my blog. So this is party for them, as well as for me!

Thankfully, Carly Marie has assured us that if you miss a day or cannot complete a day for whatever reason that IT'S OKAY!

Whew! Cause today was the first day and the subject was: Sunrise.  We were supposed to have "greeted the day" by setting our alarms and taking a photo of the sun rising.

Now, I really have no reason to have failed at this, because I am the proud owner of two really loud hungry alarm clocks. I most definitely was up at sunrise, but was too groggy and cranky to bother taking any pictures, not that I even remembered I was supposed to in the first place!

So, next is Day 2: Before Loss. It's supposed to be a picture of yourself before you lost your baby.

Here is Mine (I'm doing it early, since I missed the first one!)
Day 2 Capture Your Grief: Before Loss Self Portrait

I picked this one, because I do believe it is the last picture I have of myself pregnant before we found out Ben had died. It was taken on Halloween. Halloween is also one of my last good memories before the sh*t hit the fan so to speak. We had an amazing night taking Rylen trick or treating, we were super excited and happy to have three healthy babies growing away in me, we were over our initial shock and were prepared to welcome all three babes,  I was feeling pretty good (despite a perpetual "waddle" when I walked) and thankful that I wasn't having any pregnancy complications. Life was perfect.

Life still is excellent. But it's different. Not matter how happy the day is, or how great of a moment we are having, my next thought is "but...I wish Ben was here". I suppose maybe that will fade a bit with time. Just not yet. But that's okay. I like thinking of him often.